How to stay afloat as parents

Multiple people have asked me how I feel being a parent. In the beginning, most of them expected an answer resembling “the best thing in my life”, or some other romanticised picture of parenthood. Even though I see parents like that around me, with the instant feeling of love and bliss in parenthood, for me it definitely wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my children and wouldn’t trade them for the world, and I also didn’t experience any postnatal depression of sorts. I’m just more on neutral ground I guess..

Newborns are tough

In hindsight I know we had relatively easy babies. I have the most respect for parents with crybabies, allergies, or just babies who don’t sleep through for months and even years. With both of our girls, we were quite lucky. However, all newborns are tough. Every child and parent is different, and may need a different approach. But all take energy and energy is only so limited. Sure, it’s “only a phase”, but they seem so damned long anyway! Also, all phases are tough, also after newborns. And the fact others might have it tougher, doesn’t mean your “technically easy” kids are easy. It’s okay to not feel like they are the best that ever happened to you, whatever other people proclaim. It’s your own journey and story to tell.

Don’t feel guilty

It’s okay if you’re not the perfect parent. Good enough is already great. Looking at my professional background, I thought I’d be such a good parent. The patience and knowledge I used at work, was nowhere to be found at home though. Luckily my husband is often great with the kids. I give him the information on how, why and when. He actually practices what I preach, especially when I can’t. And if we both don’t, tomorrow is another day. Don’t feel guilty for messing up, as long as you pick each other up and try again.

An example from our own life: At a certain point, our first kid kept crying, no matter what we did. It got to the point where my husband got angry at the kid, for just being a kid. Luckily he was still in the right mind to walk out and he cried in a different room. Sometimes it just gets too much and nothing you can do will help; walking out prevented him from doing something he’d regret. Feeling guilty is natural, but not needed.

Find your tribe

I have been blessed with amazing grandparents for my children. My own parents take care of our kids 2 days a week (including a night!), plus extras if we need to go anywhere. On top of that, they help out with the garden or any other chore if we can’t or don’t know how. My parents-in-law babysit every once in a while. Even if you can’t find it in family, you really could use that village to raise a kid. Maybe that’s friends, or neighbours, to help out with the kids and give you some space to breathe. Maybe it’s someone just to talk to or listen to your worries. If you ask, so many people are willing to help, even the ones you don’t know yet.

Keep being you

For me the one thing I could do that didn’t resolve around the kids and the household for a minute, was start this blog. Just a small moment in time to do whatever I wanted to do, and not clean diapers and feed the kids. After my maternity leaves, it was also work. Even if you are a full-time parent, find some project or other activity to remind yourself you’re more than a parent. Keep up that relationship with your partner, your friends, your family, your whatever-you-had-before’s. Just a few minutes of something else, can lift you up so much again.